Dear Olive

So during my pregnancy I journaled my whole experience.  I told my pregnancy story to Olive, I am hoping that someday when she’s old enough to understand and read that she’ll appreciate this piece of history and the story of the beginning of her life.

I also hope that by sharing this on my blog that you might take something away from my pregnancy weather a laugh or a piece of advise, it’s here to be read.  Please remember I am not a professional writer, I write how I speak or how I would tell the story so please save the punctuation comments, LOL!  Also, there is some swearing and graphic language so reader be ware. 

I will be adding a few paragraphs at a time through out the next few weeks. Enjoy my 40 weeks!

Week 1-9:

On May 29, 2012, Birthday year 27, I found I was pregnant.

It was a Tuesday and I hadtaken the day off of work to relax and enjoy the day of my birth.

(Daddy and I had spent the weeks prior to Memorial Day weekend, trying to conceive.  It was a lot of “work” and an emotional roller coaster.  We decided if nothing had happened during this month we would take a month break and relax and let nature run it’s course.  For Memorial Day weekend we went to Webber Cabin with our friends.  I spent all weekend somewhat crabby, not drinking and trying not to smoke.  I was miserable.  I was tired and moody and just wanted to be at home.  I knew something was up so I tried to enjoy myself because I had a feeling it might be an interesting summer for us.)

I woke up on that beautiful May morning, laying in bed a thought this could either be the best birthday or the worst birthday.  Take it how you want.  I knew that that first “pee” was an important one for taking a test and boy did I have to go.  I wanted to prepare myself for what I may see.  I decided that either way everything would be ok and hey if I was negative then I was going to have a birthday Bloody Mary.  I peed, it was positive.

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I laughed and giggled and thought about how amazing our life will be.  All those exciting thoughts ran through my head.  Boy, girl, family vacations, their laugh, what they will look like, etc.  I made my birthday pot of coffee and sat down on the patio and lit my Camel No. 9 pinks.  Inhale, exhale, fuck.  I can’t smoke anymore, I won’t smoke anymore, what did I do?  That’s when all the scary thoughts flooded in and how much our lives would really change.  Up all nights, no drinking, no smoking, throw up, booger noses, paying for school, paying the hospital, the weight gain, etc.  I will admit I did finish it and the pot of coffee but I was pale white and knew I needed Daddy.  I stopped by Target on my way to his work to pick another box of tests.  I figured every time I peed that day I would take one, just to be safe.  I called him and told him we were going out for lunch.  When I arrived he was finishing up some things so I went to pee on a stick.  It was positive in a millisecond.  I decided I would give him the test to tell him the news.  There in Apple Valley Ford’s photographing bay, Steve Soderlund became a dad.  He cried and loved me and I instantly knew that life was greater than I thought.  I promised Daddy I would quit smoking.  He asked how he could help me.  I jokingly said “you can buy me a car that I can’t smoke in and you can also quit drinking with me”  I laughed it off.  He took it seriously.  On May 31, I said goodbye to my old friend Jeepy and hello to a Ford Escape.  Daddy did what I jokingly asked him to do, so I knew I had to quit.  I set a goal to quit cold turkey and for exactly 7 days weaned myself off the nicotine.  I had my last cigarette on June 5, 2012.

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The weeks following would be some of the most frustrating, exhausting, scary and memorable weeks of my life.  “Hulking Out” is what I refereed to my nic-fits.  When I craved or stressed I felt like I wanted to dig my fingers into the sheet rock and rip the walls down.  I was so full of anger with no release for it.  I wasn’t angry that I had to quit, I was angry that it was so hard.  One night I woke up with the sweats and it scared me straight, it’s a drug and I need help getting it off my mind.  I called hot lines, talked to friends, ate candy and yelled but eventually it passed and I haven’t looked back.

June 27th, 2012:  Our first appt.  Routine prenatal, blood work, pee in a cup and pap.  I am starting to feel sick.  Nausea, queasy, bloated, headaches, tired, moody.  I felt like I was hungover for 4 days straight with a crazy tequila heachache, a vodka stomach and a beer belly bloat.  It was awesome.  I wanted to die.  That feeling when you drink too much and you get into bed and get those spins.  Imagine that but for 10 minutes straight every hour on the hour of the day.  I had that for 6 days straight.  I threw up once, on day one because I thought it would make me feel better.  It didn’t, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted my mom.  It was tough but like I said it only lasted 6 days.  Smells and tastes were weird too.  Smells that never bothered me before made me ill and tastes that I love tasted like vomit.  Bananas were gross, vegetables made me gag and anything microwaved was repulsive!    I ate a lot all the time and gained 12 pounds in my first 10 weeks, thank you nicotine fits for that!

Telling our family and friends was exciting.  It was hard for us to keep the secret, neither of us were drinking and I wasn’t smoking.  Our friends are smart, they would have caught on.  Louise had put together an event to go fill food bags for starving children.  The whole gang was together and it was so nice, it had been a while.  We rode with Derick and Louise so we told them on the way to the place.  After our good deed we all went back to Derick and Louise’s house for dinner.  Shelly is pregnant too.  The girls were in the kitchen, Shelly was talking about how she wanted pickles and how that’s all she has been craving.  Courtney turns to me (I was also having a pickle craving) and said “geez, I bet you can’t wait to get pregnant!”  I said “I don’t have to wait, I am.”  It took a minute to sink in and they both squealed and hugged. Daddy then dropped the bomb on the men and we continued the rest of our night eating great food and enjoying the company of our friends.  We had Brecken tell Brian and Lavonne, he hollered “YaYa and Poppa I’m going to be a cousin!”  Lavonne didn’t really hear him, I told him to yell it again.  She about peed her pants in the garage.  They gave is crap for being so spontaneous about telling people news.  I liked it, it was funny!  I spilled the beans to my mom on the phone and my dad was in Eagan working, I told him I would stop by to show him my new car.  I then told him why I needed a new car.  Both sets of our parents love being grandparents so it felt really nice to have that comfort and support of their love.

Not a whole lot of cravings yet, just want to eat everything I can!  Feeling: moody, achy, aching boobs, clothes fitting tighter, little nauseas, headaches, exhaustion and procrastination. Happy and joyful though.

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